My life seems to be going in a strange direction. I've got parents who don't understand who I really am; I have friends who don't know the other side of me. I feel like ive been living 3 lives: what my parents want, what my friends want and what my church wants. If I keep living this way I am going to lose it. What do you want from me? What am I supposed to do? Who do you want me to be? These are questions that torment me everytime I lay down in my bed. It seems as if I am hit with a brick and I am brought back to reality. Every time I walk in the doors of the school, I put on a mask of emotions. Every one thinks I'm happy and my life is perfect, but in reality, I am living in a personal Hell. My thoughts torture me to the point I feel like giving up.
Everyone expects me to be close to God, but right now I feel very distant from him. It's as if we've never really met.
I want to leave this place and live in a world where everyone understands me. Until then, I'll be cursing the sky waiting for the day my life falls into place.
At this point, I feel like anything i say would come out completely wrong. The truth is, i doubt many people can sympathize with you, let alone empathize. We live in happy valley utah, and it seems that 'happy' is what everyone is expected to be. People will tell you that life gets better, and I'm sure it does, but I bet that right now, no matter how often you hear that, you won't believe it. Here's what I can tell you:
ReplyDeleteWriting, no matter whether you think that it is good or bad, is always a good way to vent. Write down what you are feeling, and where you see problems in your life. I've helped a close friend through something similar to what you're going through, and writing helped him. Another thing: find your center. I don't mean chi stuff, that never seems to help. But find something that helps you relax and be yourself, even if you don't really know who 'yourself' is right now. For me, its writing and reading, for my friend it was a psycological analysis of everyone he knew, for others it's art.
I'm pulling for you, if it makes you feel any better.
To be honest, I feel the same way all the time.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had an answer to give you, but I don't.
"Everyone expects me to be close to God, but right now I feel very distant from him. It's as if we've never really met."
ReplyDeletei stealing this. and i feel the same way.
Ok, this is perfect. Beautifully amazing and lovely and real and perfect and yeah and I just love it.
ReplyDelete